Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
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