Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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