I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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