The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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