The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
