At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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