I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
