i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Randomize