matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
Randomize