If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Randomize
