After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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