at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Randomize
