You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
