This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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