I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
