you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
