so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Randomize
