somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
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