Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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