We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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