i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Oh god it's open bar.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize