Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
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