What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
