I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
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