I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
