she woke up with a sticky ear
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Randomize
