just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
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