I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
