Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
