I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
