Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
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