Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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