im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
