i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
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