I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
