i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
