worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
