Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
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