I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
