I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
why is half of my head shaved?
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