well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Randomize
