I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
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