I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
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