He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
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