four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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