Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
