I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
