Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
