Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
that may or may not have been my penis.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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