i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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