I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
