I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
