I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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