nut hugger
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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