I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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