I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Randomize
