Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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