Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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